I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
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I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.