“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
#damn
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.