*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Holy shit he’s back
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
good morning
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high