Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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Fun like a LinkedIn notification
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
monday
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.