[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.