The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
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When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Strange
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.