Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward