M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
You Might Also Like
waiting for halloween be like:
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
No Google it does not
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*