Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
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Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*