*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
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I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.