If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
The French cow says MEUX…
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’