A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
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Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I’m tired tomorrow.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”