I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!