[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
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My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Oh no
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”