5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
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Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.