I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*