Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.