<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers