My birthstone is a marshmallow.
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Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
This kid is going places
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work