If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.