My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
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Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I want what they have
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.