Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
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Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Look at this
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”