My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
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I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.