I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
You Might Also Like
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
fr
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song