Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
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me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
The Birdles
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.