*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
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Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.