Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
You Might Also Like
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
is this how new cars are made??
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean