Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
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Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix