BETRAYAL
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I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Guantanamo Bae
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Your secret is safeish with me
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”