how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
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Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Woke up against my better judgement again
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy