ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
@ candidates for local office
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
hi why am I like this
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.