[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.