*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
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[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.