Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
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One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I think they could have phrased this better
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.