My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
ugh not again
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.