I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
lot going on here, legally speaking.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
listen closely
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.