hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
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I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
my one true gender
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan