[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’