Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
You Might Also Like
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
This is me
*cough*
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Me: I鈥檒l remember this verification code and don鈥檛 need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I don鈥檛 mean to brag, but I鈥檓 pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I鈥檝e done, I鈥檓 a doctor now.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a pi帽ata!”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he鈥檚 basically asking for a divorce.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Your baby isn鈥檛 48 months ffs…he鈥檚 4 years old.
I don鈥檛 go around saying I鈥檓 one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted