Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Who’s your best friend?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.