Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted