Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”