Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
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It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Alexa: *deep breath*
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Perfection.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye