I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow