I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Look at this
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.