Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
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*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained