Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
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Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.