Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
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[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.