If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]