Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
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I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.